People Forget

While going up the marriage building, somewhere between some floors, I stopped reading marriage books. There was nothing new happening inside those pages, and they all seemed to sing the same song. They also seemed to have been written by writers seated in the clouds and when I read them while wading through a swamp and when I was swimming upstream, they were as helpful as a plastic spoon in hot oil.

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I stopped telling my husband ‘I love you’

A couple of weeks ago, I stopped telling my husband that I loved him. After almost 9 years of saying ‘I love you’ every day and sometimes several times in a day,  I just stopped.

It’d be nice to tell you that I visited Rogi Yaman and spent a couple of months with the Sages of Sivana in the Himalayas. I’d like to tell you that I went through a serious phase of soul searching, yoga and mental detox.

I’d like to be a real hero and take you through my journey of self-discovery and the ’15 steps to Renewing Yourself and Your Marriage’ seminar that I attended. That the seminar was hosted by the renowned Mark Gungor of ‘Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage’ seminars.

All that would be nice to say, if it were true.

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Think you’re married to the wrong person? Take a personality test.

 

Understanding yours and your spouse’s differences in temperament is a major key to establishing happiness, peace and stability in your marriage.

Jackie and Musau might not be enjoying marital bliss today if they had not decided to take a personality test together. When they first started dating, the music was never too loud; the sky was just the right shade of blue and their love burned bright like a beach sunset. If Musau was the knight in shining armour, then Jackie was Queen Elizabeth herself. Neither of them could do any wrong.

And then they got married.

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Are You Happy – Or Married?

DAN_0111-Edit

Oftentimes, I get very conflicted while writing about marriage. I’m afraid of coming across as a know-it-all in my quest to tell it like it is. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy seeing that I have only been married for ONLY five years. I hear that I’m still on honeymoon, that I haven’t see it all. That by the time we get to past 7 years, i’ll just come back to earth and watch the cookie crumble.

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Don’t Get Married (yet), It’s Not That Serious!

Okay, I lied. It is serious! Sit down, we need to talk.

I can see your face, drop the smuck already, I have a point here, atleast I think I do. Alright, it’s a little weird seeing such a title from one who is spotting a wedding band, and I can hear all the singles saying, “Yeah right, she can say that because she is taken!” Nktest! (insert an emoji rolling the eyes).

In the recent past, I have heard too many stories of broken and breaking marriages and ‘I’m staying on because of the kids’ marriages until I’m wondering what we are doing wrong! My most recent story left me utterly shattered because the girl is pretty, and she saw the tell-tale signs of an abusive husband way before she married him but did not have the courage to say, “wait, I need to think again!”. She was too busy wondering what the parents and the elders and every one of us will say, forgetting she was buying the shoes, she will wear it alone!

Getting married and ‘settling down’ are used synonymously, and I can’t help but wonder, is someone incomplete and ‘unsettled’ until they get married? When I think about the phrase ‘settling down’ I imagine a restless person, disturbed person, unsatisfied person, someone who has not found ‘IT’ yet. And this ‘IT’ is only found in marriage. So you wake up every morning and pray that God ‘settles you down’ soon. Or you hop from relationship to relationship hoping to find that one who will ‘settle down’ with you! What a troubled heart and mind!

If you are in this ‘settling down’ category, please allow me to burst the bubble for you — marriage does not settle all your problems. Marriage is not a state of Nivana where all things are serene and there are no more troubles and the world is under your feet. Far from it. Ask Paul, he who never got married but he shot straight at the bull’s eye — “But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” 1 Cor 7:28.

In marriage you will experince joy that you would otherwise not find anywhere else. You will never walk alone. You will have a chance to witness albeit in a fraction the relationship between God and man. You will be loved and forgiven and loved some more. You will have someone whose sole goal in life is to make you happy. You will be given a seat among the honorable members of the community because it is assumed you are ‘grown up’ and responsible! You will gain some weird respect only the married seem to get, I must admit! You will get a new set of parents who can actually be heavenly contrary to popular belief.

You will live with the peace of knowing you got the right person who loves you right because he is tapping from the source of love Himself. You will enjoy the beauty and ecstasy of romance only experienced by people who know they aren’t stealing, that mommy and daddy know and they are okay with it!

If the Lord wills and gives you the icing on the cake that is a baby, you will experience love so pure it makes your heart raw. You will finally know what it feels to have a mini-you walking on two feet and utterly dependent on you. You will know how little, sloppy kisses can melt the hardest of hearts and undo all the weariess and harrasment of a bad day. And doing it together with someone who loves you makes Romeo and Juliet sound like a bad joke!

But like my husband likes to say, marriage is not for the faint hearted! Because you will be tested and tried, your own self will be laid bare — figuratively and literally. You will be exposed to your own faults and the faults of another human being who is now your ‘soul mate’ and who is one with you and you will not have the option of saying, ‘I want out!” Because you cannot just walk out and remain unscathed. We will always know you were once married, you will even get a new title — divorcee! And let no one lie to you that even that walking out is easy! It is easier to sprint up Mount Everest than to walk out of a marriage.

So, please, before you give your heart to another conman, shut your ears to us who keep asking you when we will ‘eat pilau’.We will go home and cook our own pilau Njeri and everyone will be happy — except the Luo of course :D.

If you haven’t found the man who loves God more than he loves you, wait. If you have found someone who seems sneaky, if there are things you have noticed that you are afraid to tell your mother, wait. If every time you meet him or her you end up feeling like you are missing something and your heart is asking questions, wait! If there are things you see in him that you feel you can’t live with, till-death-do-us-part is a very long time, my dear, just wait! And if he ever threatens to hit you, by word or deed, darling, bolt! Because thoughts soon become actions. Love is blind, marriage is the real eye opener!

compleeet  You are not broken because you are ot married yet. Your awesomeness does not depreciate, as long as the everlasting, never changing God lives in you, someone will find you, and they will be enthralled by you. No man can complete you, if you feel empty now, you will probably feel empty in marriage too! Find your purpose and fullness in Christ first, maybe, just maybe that is wat he is waiting for!

Do not get married with the idea that you will change a human being, you are not the Holy spirit, you can’t change a person! If you are born again, stop asking ‘Is it wrong to …” Because any question that begins with ‘Is it wrong… the answer is always Yes!

Marriage is not a rite of passage, its a life-long commitment between two people who love each other and are committed to God. It’s never really too late, wait. The best is yet to come. Ask me 🙂

In Defense Of Wedding Committees: Tenda Wema Nenda Zako

For a while now, I have sat down with clenched teeth and a palpitating heart and read blog after blog, facebook post after facebook post of people bashing wedding committees and the people who dare call for them. One time, I was confident enough to comment on a friends blog, I was on the unlucky minority. After a friend called the other day and expressed her concerns over the same, I decided to be bold, against the grain and come out in defense of wedding committees — I hope I will still have friends after this.

Wedding-committee-planning

We had a wedding committee when we were planning our wedding. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. We didn’t have a heavy budget, but we also didn’t to just move in together because we didn’t have enough money. We explored a few options; my husband had the genius idea of a morning wedding with snacks or an evening wedding. I kept imagining my mom and the entire village coming to Nairobi to drink Softa or Mirinda and queen cakes and it just didn’t sound right. So, to meet our budget of 250k, we organised a wedding committee.

To this day we don ‘t believe we pulled off a great wedding — I know it was great because the people from Meru ate until they were ‘fed up.’ And I can tell you, the people from Meru are rarely fed up with food. You see, I had just completed 2 years of Volunteering in an Christian organisation, and Kamana didn’t have a stable job then. But brother and sister-in-the-Lord had to be married. Friends came and gave beyond what we expected, and we had a great day. And for that I’m eternally grateful.

I lost a few friends in the process. The advice I got was, “call everyone, text everyone.” So I did. Some people weren’t too happy, though they didn’t say it I could tell by how cold they got on facebook or when we met. Many people I had considered friends went MIA on me. I held no grudges, I was too busy planning a wedding on a very thin budget. I accepted everything, it didn’t have to be monetary contribution. Two of my friends got together and bought sodas, someone bought us food, someone gave us money for the cake. It was the greatest show of God’s family holding up their own when we needed them.

I have seen people today get pregnant and go on playing ‘marriage’ until the day when they will get enough money to ‘throw a lavish wedding’. That is not what I want for my friends who are just staring out and just want to do things the right way. I want to see more young people get married properly without breaking the bank. And for a couple who don’t have much but want to do a holy wedding — emphasis on ‘holy’ — I will contribute whatever I’m able to.

Can we stop with this bashing of wedding committees and support the brethren who want to get married. Unless a couple is raising money to fund an extravagant wedding and are ridiculously dictating what you should contribute, just support them with whatever you have. And if you can’t, just go in peace and attend the wedding later, because it will happen whether you give them or not. What do we want them to do? Elope? Come-we-stay? Wait until they can afford it and then sin in the process? People of God, whatever happened to generosity?

Like I have heard it said here many times, “tenda wema nenda zako.” 

 

 

Why Husbands Need a Retreat

I have made a habit of evaluating my arguments with hubby, as I do all things in my life, which, by the way is terrible habit.

This is Mercy.

Mercy conducts a post mortem of all things that she says and are said to her. Mercy makes things worse than they really are.

Do not be like Mercy.

Anyway, my post mortem results are back from South Africa 🙂 and these are the findings: the poor guy is really misunderstood. This is one of the posts I keep wishing he will not read lest I never win an argument again. And all men can tell you, there are arguments they will never win.

Mercy: I need to lose some weight.

Hubby: Maybe you should start exercising.

Mercy: So you think I’m fat!

Hubby: No, I like you the way you are. Have you seen me admire skinny girls on the streets?

Mercy: ooo, so you admire plump girls?

Hubby:(sinks into nothing box)

That is just one example of the times hubby has said one thing and I have heard a totally different thing. In my analysis, I have tried to look into why men say one thing and women hear something else (that sounds like the title of a book I should write).

I have realized that one of the greatest reason why I regurgitate matters in my head is unresolved conflict.

Forget karma, I am way worse. I do not forget, I remember every single thing that was said and how it was said. I remember what hubs was wearing when he said, what he was smelling like, what the weather was like and to crown it all, I create a reason why he said it – whether he agrees with it or not. And unless my problem is resolved, I will bring it up even if it takes a year, and most of the times, I usually haven’t planned on it. It just pops out of my head into my mouth on it’s own. I swear.

So we have made a pact of not leaving things unresolved, because yours truly will come back with an edited, revamped version of  events. And it will not be sweet. If I feel a matter is unresolved, I try as much as I can to ask everything I feel I need to know about it. Sometimes this takes different days of talking about it, until we both feel satisfied that the matter has been laid to rest not to be resurrected again — so help me God :).  Half the time, Ben is left feeling so misunderstood when an issue he mentioned in passing is brought up later, sounding a million times worse than it really is. A couple of weeks ago, we were having a casual talk , we both can’t remember what it was about. He says something and I quip, “Is that why you have been hating on my curtains?”

Hubby: What?

Mercy: Ever since you saw so-and-so’s curtains, you have been hating on my curtains!

Hubby: (Flabbergasted — see I went to school, I can use big words!) I need a retreat with men!

Mercy: What?

Hubby: I need to know how to not open my mouth at all and how to sieve my words all the time!

You see, me and my girlfriends have a whatsapp page where we talk about almost everything. We encourage each other, uplift each other, admonish each other. We talk about our pregnancies, our babies, our husbands, our house helps. We share our joys, ours, tears, our surprises, recipes — name it!

Who do the men talk to? Do they have a special whatsapp page where they discuss their beautiful, hardworking, parrot wives and the dinners we so relentlessly exchange recipes to make for them? Do they?

husbands retreat

 

So, men, my husband needs a men’s retreat, who is in?

 

I am a Scared Wife! Find Out Why

This week God told me that I’m scared! Yeah, He did.

We are winding up our beautiful get away in Watamu and My hubby asks me to read him a verse. I go to 1 Peter Chapter three because I know it has that final verse that tells husbands “in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

I have been complaining that sometimes he fights with me like a man, then I’m left to cry because I can only take in so much. We have already talked about it and now all things look so bright. Bright enough to read 1st Peter 3. I hadn’t fully remembered that it starts with “Wives submit…” otherwise I would have chosen a scripture that says, “Write your name across my heart..” Oh, wait, that one doesn’t exist! 😛

NO expression | Defending herself female expressing NO sign on her hand

NO expression | Defending herself female expressing NO sign on her hand

So I hurriedly read past the submission verses, anxious to get to the ‘considerate’ part. The last verse before ‘considerate’ jumps right out of the page to my heart. “You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”

If you haven’t read 1 Peter 3, it’s the one that tells us to call our husbands ‘my lord’ or ‘my master’ like Mrs. Abraham did. I chuckle and marvel at the thought of calling Kamana ‘my lord’. Makes him feel like he is the President! But then again, I think that is the idea.

That submission debate has been around for long, and today’s woman is has become louder and bolder in stamping her refusal to submit. I remember watching a wedding show on TV once and the lady said boldly that she was offended when the pastor talked about submission. No wonder Bi Msafwari has suffered a lot of opposition from women who feel ‘sat on’.

And I’m ashamed to admit that I have been one of these women. Many times I have felt like she is demanding too much of women. That the man is allowed to just be while we have to do all the ‘mpokelee mume, mpashie maji ya kuoga moto, mpakulie chakula, mlishe… sigh! And last weekend, I discovered just why we do not want this submission thingie preached to us anymore. We have given way to fear.

I have been afraid that if I let my husband’s decision take the day without putting in a fight, then something will go wrong. I have been afraid of not being heard, and so I shouted louder with my actions. I have been afraid of being led, wanting my know-it-all attitude have supremacy over godliness and humility. Just as I am afraid to let my husband lead me unhindered and unopposed, maybe I am afraid to let God lead me too.

After we talked about this afraid thing, I prayed to God to let me trust Him and trust in the brilliant, handsome man he gave me to. As I show my husband that I trust him to lead me without me becoming hard headed, he too will lead me with wisdom. Knowing I have truly trusted him prompts him to make decisions that will not give him an I-told-you-so look. All woman are blessed with that look!

So this is me inviting all of you modern independent women to step out of the fear zone into the ‘my lord’ submission zone. This week, call your husband, ‘my lord’, ‘my master’, wash his feet if you can. Do something he has always thought you can’t do. And let him take the wheel, without you trying to step on the brakes and clutch and showing him directions.

Let us do what is right and not give way to fear.

Please Don’t Share This on Facebook

I joined facebook in May 2009, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I do not remember how life used to be before facebook! How did we live without sharing what we are eating, where we are headed to after the shower and who we are staring at the wind with? Oh, how did we live without sharing how we are feeling, who we are feeling it with and how awesome our boring weekend is.

social I have been going through my posts since 2009 and while I posted some quite sensible and educative stuff, I couldn’t help but notice that I shared quite a lot on what was going on in my life. I still share my life sometime, but I have grown to know that it is neither profitable nor wise to share — with strangers I must add — the things you are supposed to not really share.

Social media never forgets, that’s for sure. And facebook has even made things worse by creating an anniversary of all your posts, photos and literary everything you post. We now have to be reminded of our foolish younger days and the not so wise things we said in some crooked shorthand English!

We celebrated our 2nd anniversary two months ago and it was not until three days later did we realize that we did not share it on facebook! It was so awesome we forgot to share it! While there is nothing wrong per se with celebrating on social media, I have come to realise that some of the best moments especially in marriage are those we can’t share with anyone!

Social media is good and it can be used for very good purposes — like reading my blog posts 🙂 — but it can also be that little fox in your marriage that needs to be caught before it ruins the vineyard. If social media is the first thing that comes to mind when you need to celebrate or to vent, this is how you should start introducing yourself henceforth, “My name is — and I’m an addict!”

A couple of days ago, I noticed a series of posts from a friend of a concert he was ‘énjoying’. I kept wondering, if he is enjoying so much, where is he getting the time to update us every 5 minutes? And he is not alone. We have people who can’t breathe for 10 minutes if they don’t log on to a social media site, and an event is not an event until it is shared!

I respect people who have decided to go off social media for a while. We miss them and I keep seeing posts on their wall, someone complaining how they are ‘lost’. Do the ancient thing, pick up the phone and call them. I know I do. And if you do not have their phone number, you really have no business complaining.

Today I decided to shoot myself in the foot! I challenge you to learn to enjoy life for the sake of enjoying life. Go and do one awesome thing with your loved ones, and don’t tell us about it. You might actually love it!

 

I’m Married — But I like Someone Else!

guy checking phone  Purity is so easy to define and maintain when you are single! I’m sure you didn’t see that one coming! It has always been assumed that it is much harder to maintain purity when you are single. The married have it all sorted out, don’t they? I mean, you want it you get it. Home cooked and fresh from the oven, right? Almost.

While there is some degree of truth in the sentiments, even Paul said to get married instead of burning with passion, I strongly believe purity is so much more than avoiding pre-marital sex. So you have ‘fought the good fight and finished the race’ and you are now in the happily ever after, the battle for purity is over, yippeee! Put the pom-pom down people,  the battle has just began.

We have found ourselves wondering what it means to maintain purity in marriage. I’m taking the obvious sins out of the picture here — unfaithfulness and porn. Those two are the undebatable impurities in marriage that need to be flushed out.

A few weeks ago, we had a little debate with my husband about this. I noticed that he would take the line of a certain lady’s queue almost every time we are at the supermarket. It was harmless, really, and she is a nice lady so it was understandable. I used to queue on her line too most of the times. So I commented, “It seems like you like her..”?

I wasn’t expecting him to say he doesn’t like her, but I realised that I didn’t like the fact that he liked her! Praise the Lord, sister Mercy! :). So I kept wondering why it bothered me until I got a revelation!

I remembered that there was a time that I didn’t know that Kamana existed, and he didn’t know there was a human being like me! Unimaginable! Then we met on that beautiful day in January 2011 and a friendship started. There must be things he liked about me or he wouldn’t have bothered being my friend. And there were things I liked about him too.

As the friendship continued, he realised that he more than liked! He actually loved! So he said the magic words…and I kept telling him that I liked him! He still reminds me how much he hated that! Until I also more than liked and realised that I too loved. I responded to that and the rest is our story — not history.

Back to the Tuskys girl. I realised that this is where we had started. And it was wrong for him to like someone and actually show it. Although he was just enjoying good customer service from a supermarket employee, it was uncomfortable. And our eyes were opened. And he asked me to write about it!

Being married does not stop you from seeing other people. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer. And it does not stop other people from seeing you. I still get hit on by some men and as much as I feel like smashing something hard on their skull, I know that it is I who must respect my marriage so much as to not respond to any of that. Because that is where we started. I make sure I tell my husband almost immediately, he tells me to tell them they don’t stand a chance, we laugh about it and move on improving our marriage.

Purity in marriage is mostly about avoiding emotional cheating. Don’t share deep talks with someone other than your spouse. Instead build your relationship in such a way that you can tell each other anything without anyone getting judgmental. Men, listen to your wives. I mean really listen, not nod in between reading the newspaper and watching news.  Women thrive on talking,so even if you will not say anything, let her talk. Just listen.

And no matter how many times and how many people you share your problems with, the only two people who can solve them all is you two. Learn to separate friends. I have realised that sometimes when friends get married, other friends who were very close might forget that you two now have a different relationship. Don’t cut out your friends, but also learn to not share every tiny detail about your marriage with them.

Purity in marriage is all about being very deliberate about who you let in, and choosing to keep your interests on your spouse. Every day.

This is why You are Still Single

singleI have been thinking about this post for while now. I didn’t know how to write it and still not look like I’m rubbing my ‘married’ status on anybody’s face. But I have finally gathered the courage to write it. This is after I stumbled upon a note I wrote back in 2011. It went like this:

A store that sells husbands has just opened in City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description on how the store operates. You may visit the store

ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch…………….you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Well, while I do not entirely disagree with the note that some girls are choosy to the point of missing on really good men, I think now I know better. The urge to go up the floor is really strong. The first floor seems to have the basic irreducible minimum that every girl should consider. While the other floors have good things in them, some of them are built over time — well, maybe except the drop-dead gorgeous part. You either are or you aren’t!

When the world looks at a single girl today, especially a successful one, people can’t help but give reasons why you are single and those reasons are not always good ones. They never take time to ask her what her life has been like or even to know if she wants to get married in the first place! While it is a really awesome thing to be married, there is nothing that makes the unmarried lesser human beings! Even the governor of central Bank is single, if we can forgive the grief we gave him about it!

Just the other day, a friend told us how she was connected to eligible men countless times by some ‘well-meaning friends’. One of the people she was supposed to marry was too old  for her liking and so closed up he barely said a word to her anytime they were together. She finally had to let the ‘concerned’ friends know that she is fine being single and she can get a husband all by herself, thank you!

I strongly believe that God has planned our lives very differently and it is wrong to assume that someone needs to be married at a certain age just because you were! I know of a lady who had reached that age where people had started saying the only person who can marry her is a widower.  Well, they couldn’t have been so wrong! She met a single man, never been married before, he was as Godly as they come too. They had a glorious wedding and now they have a beautiful family, even crowned with a healthy beautiful baby.

It is very important that ladies be open to love. Some of us still cling to deep feelings of hatred and even fear brought about by some sour experiences with life. And men too! One very important thing to remember is, not all men are the same. And not all ladies are the same. There still are good men out there, and there still are good women out there. You just need to look for them in the right places.

It is also paramount to remember that God has mapped out our lives very differently. There is nothing wrong with you if your friends and age mates have all gotten married. They are in no way more special than you and my marriage will not necessarily be any better than yours because I got married first! I will not be more married than you when you finally get married because I got married first! God is not so boring as to photocopy my experience in 1000 other ladies!

So, wait on God. Do not despair and serve him while you are at it. I have noted keenly that all the people got appointed to serve him, he chose them while they were going about their lives busy in whatever fields they had interest in! Elisha was ploughing, Moses was herding, Peter was fishing, even Ruth was gathering left-overs in Boaz’s field!

The Lord has not forgotten anyone. The only reason you are single today, is because God wants you to be! Enjoy it, it’ll never come back!

Why Your Spouse is Naked and Ashamed

A story is told of one family that had visitors one evening. The wife prepared a sumptuous meal, but when they all dug in, the salt was way over what the doctor would recommend. The guests all looked at the husband and waited to see what his reaction would be — I mean these were honored guests and his wife had just ‘spoiled’ their meal. Then the hubby lovingly called the wife and said, “Honey, can I have some more salt please?”I keep imagining what was planted in that wife’s mind on that day: My husband loves me more than he loves his kidneys!

I have not yet met a place where two human beings are more exposed to one another than in marriage — sometimes literary! And although the natural expectation is that two people who love each other should be unashamed, you can reset your spouse to the ashamed camp if you are not keen. One is exposed emotionally, mentally, psychologically — you literary bare it all before your significant other. In such a situation, the susceptibility to get hurt is very high!

Words. There is a Swahili proverb that translates to mean, ” Once a word is out, it cannot be taken back”. It is only natural for couples to fight. I don’t mean the physical brawls that are accompanied by black eyes and plucked fingernails. There is everything wrong with that. I’m talking about disagreeing. Sometime, our opinion just doesn’t seem to agree and that is only natural because you are two different human beings. In such situations, it is only mature that people compromise and a solution is reached.

yeller

The critical thing to remember is, you can win an argument and lose the person, sometime forever.

Despite how good looking we are, we all have that one thing on our bodies that we wouldn’t mind it looked slightly different. Maybe you wish you were a shade darker or lighter, Maybe you wish you were an inch taller or shorter. Maybe it’s that tooth that is slightly off-course or that skin that is slightly on the rough side. Some of them are things no one has ever seen — except your spouse. Nothing is more unfair and low than to degrade someone on the basis of some unchangeable thing in how they look! So, what do you want them to do about their bodies?

While that has been said, it is good to improve yourself and be someone your significant other is proud to show off. Work on that extra weight, go to the salon, work out, take a shower (or two), be presentable!

Covering your partners flaws is a show of love. A few weeks ago, we had a disagreement with hubby because I felt he had failed to cover me in front of an older woman. The situation was quite funny and it would have been laughable if I wasn’t so annoyed. What he was saying was not exactly a lie, but I felt he shouldn’t have. He has a mandate to cover me and make me look like the hottest, coolest, most amazing wife in the word — which I am :).

I have a mandate to not shame him and hang him out to dry before the whole world, or even before a small fraction of that world. We are both fallen human beings that are being perfected daily by our Lord Jesus Christ. Let us never forget that. Marriage is supposed to shape our character as we love selflessly and be open to growth. Remember, people will view your partner depending on how your conviction about marriage is. Choose your words carefully.

If you openly talk about your partners flaws to people, she/he may never say it but it slowly takes away their self-confidence. Instead of being that confident person that is striving to make themselves better for the Lord and for you, they will coil every time they see you sharing jokes with your friends, unsure if this will be another exposure on her character and her being.

The critical thing to remember is: Your partner should not be the butt of your jokes. Do not sacrifice their joy and dignity for the sake of a good laugh. 

Allow your partner to be naked and unashamed before you. Allow each other to be vulnerable and teachable without feeling trampled on.

A Sneak Peek Into a Woman’s ‘Silent Treatment’

One of the worst ways to solve problems in any relationship is going silent. That is what we have all been told. And since it’s the women who (mostly) go mute, it seems like it’s the worse sin anyone can commit. Well, I have had more than a quarter a decade of practicing being a woman and I now think we need to decode this silent treatment thing.

First things first — it’s not worse when a woman gives it. It’s just a bad when a man slides into his nothing box every time, and decides he is not talking to you because — well, it can be anything from burnt food to unpolished shoes and everything in between. Like Dolly Parton said, “my mistakes are not worse than yours just because i’m a woman.”

Decode #1 — She thinks you just don’t get it!

So, she’s mad. Something happened between you two and she is just annoyed. At you. Or something happened elsewhere and she is mad — but not at you. But to her, there is no difference. When she is mad, it doesn’t really matter who she is mad at. At that point in time, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory. She thinks you all deserve to have that millstone hanged on your necks and sent to the deepest part of the nearest stream.

But the problem is, you don’t get it. You are busy telling her to ‘get over it’ or to look at the positive side of things or to do something else that sounds like something only mother Teresa would do. A woman’s anger is like chicken pox — you have to let it blow over! You can’t stop it midway. Her salvation — if she is a godly one — is just like the vaccine that prevents the chicken pox from killing the little tot. It will prevent her from doing some really stupid things like getting obscene or pouring gasoline on someone and setting them aflame; but it needs to go the full term. The she will calm down.

At that time, if she is just quiet, don’t try to offer solutions. She doesn’t need them. She already has a million options in her head of the things she should do she just can’t decide which one will pain her victim the most. She may never actually do them, but it will give her satisfaction just to think about the pain her ‘victim’ will go through. Let her be, buy her chocolate or give her  hug if you must do something, but by all means DO NOT offer solutions.

Decode #2 — She Just can’t get it!

This will happen mostly if you are the cause of the problem. She just cannot get why you would say or do those things you said or did.

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Women love consistency. If you say you love her today and then treat her like a trash bag or your gym punching bag tomorrow, she will get confused. When you say you love her, please try to do things that are consistent with someone who actually loves her. If you bash her with words today and then bring her roses in the evening, they may end up  in the trash can and she will still not be talking to you.

By all means possible, treat her like an equal, mature human being. Sometime, men are so stuck on the thought that their women need to submit to them that they forget that they too are human beings who desire to be treated like such. Sometime, all a woman wants is to be treated like a human being who deserves to be given information and talked to like she is not a two year old. If you come from those traditions where women, children and chickens are in the same category, please adjust your calender — we are in the 21st century!

So, if you said things to her in a way that you would say to a three year old — Go back to the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths and walk it it — that is actually scripture! I know it may sound heretical here but what i’m trying to say is, retrace your steps and your words. If she goes mute after you talk to her like that, she is just wondering how old you think she is, and she just cannot get why you can’t at least treat her like a normal human being. I think, if we just treated our spouses juts like they are a fellow believer in the Lord, we would avoid lots of heartache!

Decode #3 — She thinks you get it, but you are pretending not to!

This is the worst. A woman is a natural psychologist, so she knows even your innermost thoughts most of the time.

So if you hurt her and then pretend you don’t realize it, she may not talk to you for quite a while. All she wants is for you to acknowledge that you actually hurt her and that you feel the tinniest bit of remorse about it. If you just think you will play it cool until she comes around, you might wait for a long time!

And even though she will eventually get tired of being angry at you and decide to talk if only to keep cobwebs from forming in her mouth, she will never forget! She will always remember that you don’t take her hurt seriously and that is just the same as not taking her happiness seriously! You should count yourself lucky if she forgives you!

Don’t wait for her to tell you that she is hurt. If you can see it in her eyes and in her body language, do the mature, loving thing — apologize! Don’t keep asking her if she is o.k! Of course she will nod her head and tell you she is fine, but we all know when a woman says, ‘I’m Fine!”, watch your back, things are about to go south!

I know you are wondering, ” why can’t she just say what she wants?” Well, she is a woman! When all is said and done, if still nothing is being said by the woman of the house, seek divine intervention. You will need it!

I wish you all a happy, talky, weekend 🙂

Would You Carry My Handbag and other Relationship Questions

What exactly do people look for in a marriage partner? I thought this is the type of question that would elicit unanimous answers. That was until I heard a girl on a dating reality show ask an all important question: would you carry your girl friend’s handbag? Really?

It is of utmost importance to ask the relevant questions before we decide to get into a relationship. Girls, we need to look beyond the face value of things and the things that we see on Telemundo and get to the real deal breakers of a relationship and eventually, a marriage. And whatever we look out for, make sure it is sustainable — my husband’s advice.

omamo

So, in all honesty, how is knowing whether a guy would carry your handbag or not disqualify him from your list. How many days will you need to have your handbag carried? What we need to ask and look out for is a person who is caring, kind, patient and ready to protect, provide and pray for you.

I sought to ask a few single godly girls what’s the most important question they would ask the men who showed interests in them. The answers were amazing — some hilariously so. A number of things was also common among them and I thought it’d be great to share with you what they said. And no, they have not been arranged on the order of importance.

1. Where do you see yourself in ____ years?

This is to gauge where you fit in his dream and whether or not  he has any vision. You also need to know if his vision is one that you would not mind supporting. However, you need to remember that there are a few men who may not be letter for letter clear on what their vision is. Gauge them intelligently and do not dismiss a man simply because he hasn’t written a proposal yet about his future. Some just don’t know how to express themselves as eloquently as they would desire.

2. Why me? (This can be preceded by a fake surprise,’hayia! 🙂

So, of all the girls he has met in all the places he has been in all the places he has been, why did he think you are ‘the one’? I know many will say they have prayed to the Lord and he has shown them that you are the one, but please men, if you didn’t pray, don’t lie to the girl that you did. And girls, if he tells you he heard the Lord, you too go and hear the Lord for yourself. Don’t be too gullible!

3. Where is this leading/What do you want out of this?

It really hurts me when I see people in High School and Primary school dating — if that can be called dating at all. I mean, you have like 10 years before you think of marriage, what business do you have dating? Contrary to what you may think, there is never dating for the sake of dating. Every person you date takes a piece of your heart. So if you keep getting in and out of relationships, when you finally meet ‘the one’, you’ll genuinely tell them you love them with the whole of your heart, and that will be like half of your heart.

When you start dating, make sure you are ready for marriage so that your dating will be purposeful and meaningful. Make sure you and your partner are in agreement about the relative time period for your dating. Otherwise we end up seeing a couple who are soon disagreeing about whether you want to get married or not. And with time,one party gets tired and soon ‘moves on’ to a more ready person.

There is the ultimate non-negotiable: How is their relationship with God? As one lovely couple told us, where you end up in eternity is most likely the same place your spouse will end up. Make sure you get someone who  will encourage you towards heaven 🙂

What else should we look out for in a relationship? Let’s talk.

Dear Men, This is All We Need

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We are told all the time what men need to be comfortable in a relationship — Submission, constant praise and appreciation and cheering him on in is dreams. A man needs to have his ego massaged and told how he is the most wonderful thing since Thika Super Highway. He needs to know his wife thinks of him as superman and Romeo all wrapped in one package. And we strive to do all that to make our men happy.

But who tells the men what the women need? Do they have the slightest clue what makes us tick? Before we got married, a couple we love and trust encouraged us to write down our expectations. My first on the list was emotional support. And that comes in many ways. So, guys, I will give you a few clues, and here is to hoping we will have more satisfied wives and girlfriends from now onwards :).

A gift. 1

All you have heard about flowers and chocolate is actually true. But it’s never about the flowers and the chocolate, it’s about the thought that led to the flowers and the chocolate. We are thrilled to know you value us and you think about us the whole day. We are happy to know that the gift you bought is not a bribe for the time you have spent away from us or a way of blinding us to your philandering ways. The gift is an outward expression of the value you have placed on us, which is more valuable than the gift.

So, if you treat your lady like someone gave her to you on offer, and them come home with pitiful little flowers, do not be amused if they end up in the trash. Because those little gifts are supposed to come from a heart that clearly values us and makes us know we are the treasure of your heart. And how do we measure value?

Kind Words.

A woman feeds on words. That is why things she hears can make her or break her. Most of the women I see on The Ultimate Challenge – Weight Loss Edition show on KTN say they were jolted to reality about their weighty matter of their weight by something someone said to them. Or about them. And no  matter what a woman tells you, we all care what people say. Some of us just choose to think less of them and move on with life but we all care about words.

And this is most pronounced when it’s coming from the one person we care most about. We want to hear how we are the hottest thing on earth although we know deep down we are several points lower than Keisha of Single Girls. We want to hear how much you love her cooking even if we present you with  burnt offerings for dinner. The more you are nice to us, the better we strive to become.

You can tell a woman whose husband praises her. She is confident and walks with her held held high. Women are all encouraged to be like the proverbs 31 woman but I keep wondering if the men read all the verses of that chapter. I’m talking about the verse that talks about the man praising her.

Prov 31: 29 Her children arise and call her blessed;her husband also, and he praises her:“Many women do noble things,but you surpass them all.”

We love to be praised. Please do that more often. We love to have emotional support as much as we give you all the support you crave.

A Hug. love is

A hug is one thing that you cannot give without receiving. And we love to be hugged in as much equal measure as you love sex. A husband’s hugs is more than just two hands across each other. It’s the greatest sharing of unspeakable emotions and comfort that only the ‘huggee’ can tell. When my husband hugs me, I feel like I’m surfing on the Indian ocean. Never mind that I can barely float on water.

When we are angry — even angry at you — we need a hug. When we are happy, we need a hug. When we are sad and moody, we need a hug. When we are teary and we cant even tell why, we need a hug. A hug is the one things that says you do not hold our emotions against us. And especially when we are pregnant we need hugs. Lots of them.

Love For God. jesu

A godly man is a treasure because of many reasons, but my top on the list is, he will love you with love he has tapped from the best — God himself! I know many girls have said before that believers make the worst boyfriends, at least I have been told that by a few girls but I tell you they make the best husbands. If you want someone to take you out drinking every Friday, you will be disappointed.

But if you are looking for a man who will love you with all he has because he is not just accountable to you and your parents but to God himself, get a godly man. And we love men who are devoted to God because we know they can only love us as we deserve as long as they love God with all sincerity. So men, Love God. We love it when you love God.

But if there is one things that makes no sense at all, is a man who neglects his family in the name of serving God. Your family is your first service to God.

Oh, we need many other things but we can start with these 🙂

Some Things You Don’t Want to Hear

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We all want to be told life is bliss and all things are bright and beautiful – especially in marriage. Well, here are a few things I probably wouldn’t have wanted to hear that I know will be beneficial especially to the newly weds. If I had seriously thought about them, I would have had a happier first year of marriage!

1. You will get serious ‘culture shock’

I’m speaking to all the girls and men who haven’t lived together before their wedding since, honestly, those are the real newly weds. So you are expecting blissful first months of marriage? Well you will have them. Coupled with serious shocks and blows like you can’t believe. Problem is, you really can’t tell anyone about it because everyone will be expecting you to be having the time of your life, portraying anything but, seems suicidal.

You will have to get used to someone intruding in your space as you sleep. I remember one great friend calling me after the wedding and asking if I keep getting startled and jumping up in fright when I find a man on my bed! Well, Nowadays, I don’t. 🙂 Woe unto you if you are a light sleeper and your partner is…well …not exactly a silent sleeper.A sleep deprived wife is a grumpy wife, and a grumpy wife makes a grumpy husband=a grumpy home!

You will be vulnerable than you have never been in your life, more exposed to another human being than you have ever been and more open to hurt than you have ever been. And you will love every minute of it! Almost Every.

2. You Will Know Yourself — and either Hate Or Love Yourself

So you think you are generous, huh? Get married! So you think you are the most peaceful, polite human being in the universe? Get married! So you think you are the most caring, humble, God’s best gift to earth? Say it with me….get married!

Then you will discover that you are not the ‘humblest’ man that ever lived. Or you may discover you have patience that you previously thought never existed! Your partner will try you in the hardest ways possible and you will discover who you truly are. And once the mask is off, you will either loath yourself to depression, or give yourself a pat on the back. Whatever you find out, make sure you endeavor to become better.

I thought I was the most mature, straight thinking, problem solver south of Sahara. Until I discovered I need to work on the problem solving bit after I went mute on my hubby for hours — and I mean more than 24! He hated it and he said so and I got mad that he hated it and said so.I thought I wasn’t patient enough but in marriage I have found a patience and strong resolve to stick by my word and action that I thought were impossible. And my hubby has made me better at that.

3. You Will Have No Rights

Put the stones down, you post-modern people and let me explain. Thank you. Now, this is what I meant. While you were single, you did what you wanted, when you wanted, with whom you wanted, that is, given we are talking about general non-sinful things here like taking  hike to Mt. Longonot with the boys. Or going for a weekend sleep-over with the girls. Now, everything you do will have to include another human being, one that you love and respect and submit to. You cannot independently make decisions and expect your spouse to fit into them all the time!

This looks like a really small thing until you need to go for what you deem an important meeting over a weekend or that impromptu trip at work that is not exactly work related but you know you would loooove to be there. The once quick ‘yes’ response will have to be replaced with ‘I will talk to my …. first’ then get back to you.

Sometime, your significant other will not see the urgency or even the importance and then you will either have to cancel and keep a long face all through, beseech him/her the best way you know or just let go and let God! Cliche, right? Well, that is what helps. Knowing that it is God’s will for you to be there with your partner rather than elsewhere makes it all easy, and as you grow older in marriage, you realise that you would actually rather be there with your partner than anywhere else! Ask me!

4. Your first night will Not be heaven-on-earth

For once, get your head out of the soap opera, hollywood cloud and come back to earth! If you haven’t been sleeping with your partner, kudos! You have made it this far! Welcome to bliss. Now, tell me, have you ever tried riding a bike having never ridden one before? Well, tell me how easy it was to fall off and hurt yourself! After a while, you got the hang of it and rode to the horizon and into the sunset, all the while enjoying the breeze in your hair and the utmost ecstasy of…umm.. well, riding a bike!

You did have a few bruises after that and sore legs probably, but it also got better with time and you always looked forward to the time you will hop onto your bike and ride off into the sunset again. And now, you are a bike pro, you still have a few more tricks to learn but your bike riding is really great!

Enough said! Fumbo mfumbie mjinga, mwerevu ataing’amua. (My coast swag:)

4. This One You Will Want to Hear — You will be Happy!

I remember watching a show on TV earlier this week, and I don’t remember what the topic really was. I wasn’t even concentrating until the speaker said, ” Marriage is not happy. You just have to live with a resolve to forgive and forget and move on. Love is not even needed that much, just forgiveness.”

I say like my brodas from Naija, “na lie oooo!” Marriage is happiness, if you are not happy, seek out why and be happy! It is not suppose to be a relationship where you stick together because of any other reason other than the fact that you ant to be together because you find happiness in being together! In my early days of marriage, I once felt so angry at my husbabd that I told him I thought we were happier before we got married! He said he will endeavor to be happy in marriage and true to his word, I know he has been. And especially being married to me, he has really worked hard! Thank you, Ben ❤ 🙂

True, there are times you will feel like you want to murder someone. Sometime you will look at your spouse and wonder, ” what was I thinking?!?” Remember, they most certainly go through those phases too! But they choose to love you anyway, scars, flaws and all! So love them back and don’t stay on because of the kids or what people will say! Stay on because you can’t imagine life without them despite their many shortcomings!

Truth be told, it’s fun being married!!

To Submit or Not to submit? Wives Speak.

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Submission. To submit or not to submit as a wife is the question. Submission is one of the things that today’s brides worry about as they get into marriage. And whether you know it or not, you do worry about it! You may think you are submissive, until you get to married! And then reality hits you harder than a grenade in Somalia.

Yesterday, as I watched My Dream Wedding on KTN, the bride asked a question that made me think really hard. It was even more pronounced because on the same show, another bride had loudly proclaimed the same thing. She had wondered why the pastor dared tell her to submit! I mean, she was miss independent, super educated, monied girl! Submit? Not her!

Yesterdays bride said, ”  I have a problem with some of the vows the pastor was asking me to repeat. Me, be submissive? I struggled all this long to be independent and now you want me to be submissive. Submit? to who? Not me”!

All this time, the husband sat next to, her with an expression I couldn’t really tell what it meant. My husband looked at the screen in disbelief. While I may not have been the model submissive wife, I really think hearing your wife ask ” submit to who?” isn’t one of the highlights of a man’s life in marriage.

I have struggled with submission myself, and sometimes I didn’t even know I wasn’t being submissive. My husband would later tell me, in not so many words and that would jolt me back to reality. Sometime we have had to meet each other half way in our decisions and other times,I’ve had to do what hes says, with a frown on many occasions :).

And since I didn’t want to just put my own opinion here, I sought to ask a few Christian ladies what they thought about submission. Christian because I believe they are informed from the best – the bible – where the submission rule came from! They are all career women who are married to career men. All have degrees in their respective fields so I assure you they were the best candidates.

Here is what they said:

Brenda Muse – married to Muse

For me it has nothing to do with my achievements. I could be the president of Kenya but reality is, to be happy in marriage, to have a good relationship, I submit! I learned I would rather be happy than right. It is not always easy especially during decision making when our opinions differ, but I pray, explain my pint of view, if I can’t win we take his way (sometimes grudgingly) and I know the peace is worth more than having my way.

Sometimes he is proved wrong and I’m tempted to tell him ‘I told you so’, but I’ve Learned to let go and work to build him, not tear him down.

Doreen Lemalee – married to Paul Lemalee

Me: Does submission have a limit to it? Is it p to a certain point or whatever Paul says carries the day?

Submission isn’t slavery where you are to be seen and not heard, otherwise my place as a helper would lose meaning. He isn’t the fountain of all truth. Just like God allows us to express the desires of our hearts if they are in line with His ultimate will, so it should be in marriage; the wife should be allowed to express her opinions as long as they are in line with the ultimate goal of the marriage.

Submission is the recognition that the husband has been given the mandate of carrying the vision or goal of the marriage to steer it. At times, he is expected to make the final decision because the buck stops with him.

Becky Wanja – married to Humphrey Kirimi

Submission is the willingness on the part of one to adapt their rights to those of the other. it’s a give and take kind of relationship where no one has a spirit of competion e.g in arguments or decision making. The Christ-God relationship is an example of mutual submission that all Christian couples should work at. Submission is not a master slave thing nor is it where the husband rules and commands and the wife obeys. No!

Extreme silence, helpless dependency and blind obedience are not marks of submission.  Submission out of love should not make one feel inferior and the other superior. it’s more than the things we do for our hubbys, it should be part of our everyday christian life. 

Bilha Omina – Married to Denin Omina

Submission is most easy when there is love. However, none of the two – Love vs Submission- is easier. Loving as Christ did is difficult and submitting as unto the Lord is also difficult. As long as I love God, I wont struggle to submit. 

I will say what Brenda said, “I’d rather be happy than right!”

Would you willingly submit to your husband? Lets talk and build each other up.

I Thought of Killing my Husband!

In his marriage counselling video, Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor gives the story of a couple who had lived together for a long time. The wife was asked if she has ever thought about divorce and she says flatly, ” No, I’ve thought about murder!”

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When I heard that, I thought, What? She thought of murdering her husband! Bad wife! Then I recalled another story I read of a woman who was so disturbed by her husband’s snoring that she contemplated suffocating him in his sleep with the pillow. She had to wake up and call her best friend and talk to her to keep the murderous thoughts at bay.

Having been married almost a year now (okay, it’s 7 months but a girl can brag, right? 🙂 ) I have caught a glimpse if what the women must have had going through their mind. The thing is, the person I have thought of murdering is me!

Put the stones down already, I know that doesn’t sound very christian. I know it is foolish but there were days i’d be so annoyed and since the only way out of this marriage is death, I’d toy with the thought of dying. It was very selfish and foolish. I hated myself when the anger was over and I’d repent and quote Psalms 118:17 I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD over and over again. oh the grief stupidity put me through!

But I was somewhat encouraged in the thought that divorce is never an option in our life. And I know there are many starry eyed brides-to-be out there who need to know that marriage is awesome and an awesome lots of work too.

I speak to brides because I don’t know really how the men felt. I have an idea as my husband narrated to me, but I really don’t KNOW.

The time we went to my husbands home, I was happy, yet a mixture of feelings flowed in my mind. I remember thinking, “If I die, I will probably be buried here!” And that is when the tears started flowing. I don’t exactly why brides cry on their wedding day, but I now know why they cry before their wedding day.

The whole thought of a totally new family and new home can be overwhelming. This is even in the light of the fact that you two will not live there but will have a new home of your own. It helped that my parents-in-law are amazing people.

When that phase is overcome, the girl overcomes, gets married, goes for honeymoon and comes back to her new home. And that is when the murderous thoughts may kick in. Yet they don’t have to.

Every girl needs to know that you married a MAN! That means, you do not think alike, behave alike or even solve problems alike. I am the ‘we-are-talking-about-it-now’ kind of girl while Kamana is the ‘I-have-to-sleep-on-it’ kind of man. Imagine the chaos when I demand we talk NOW while he says, “tomorrow”-and then goes to sleep.

I had to adjust to his way of problem solving when I knew waiting would provide better results while he had to adjust to my ‘now’ system when the problem or disagreement called for it.

Since opposites attract, you will find that you have quite a few things that are not in common with your spouse. Don’t kill yourself trying to change them, just work around it in a way that finally suits both of you. This will also call for a lot of compromise and understanding. If you are the kind that have the ‘it’s my way or the highway attitude’, you are in for a rough ride!

I once came across a question that put marriage into perspective: What if marriage wasn’t meant to make us happy-but holy? Maybe that was God’s idea all along. But then in being holy, we would be happy. (See my article For Happy and For Holy.)

When my mind goes to the lady in Mark Gungor’s story, i’m encouraged. It is good for the married to share their struggles and triumphs in marriage. Iron sharpens iron, right?

I did my part, what is your story?

No, I Don’t Love You!

There is one thing (almost) every girl dreams of. Her wedding. She visualizes her groom, her cake, her honeymoon, her wedding gown.

She sees herself  walking down the aisle, her prince charming waiting at the end of the line in total anticipation. Or maybe she wants a little private ceremony. With just a few people, the ones who matter – her groom, her parents, her friend(s). The one they call an intimate ceremony.

1 But there is one more thing that every girl need – an engagement. By engagement I mean, do not be what we call ‘brothers of signs and wonders.’ You show the girl all the signs that you are interested in her, then you suddenly take off and leave her wondering what happened.

Let the girl know that you are interested in making an honest woman out of her-by putting a ring on it. That means, when you are courting her, don’t behave like you are sampling a few then settling for the best.

Few things feel as bad as a girl beginning to like you, then realizing she is just one of them in the list. That you are sampling many to choose from. It’s a complete turn off.

Long before I met my Prince Charming, Kamana, there was someone who was showing ‘signs’. Guys, no matter how much we pretend to act surprised when you finally ask us to marry you, we always see it coming. always. So I had seen the signs. My heart was beginning to warm up to this one and waiting for the time I will say, “let me pray about it!”Well, the time never came. The warmth in my heart froze when I realized he was sampling a few others.

I know crushes do happen, and especially for us ladies, the worst thing we can do is actually act on it. Ask me I will tell you. I had a crush in my ignorant days that almost ruined a very good friendship. So ladies, hold your horses. The joy of the game is in being chased.

So you told a girl you love her and she gave you the chinese eye scold and the indian shrug? That was before she said, “I don’t love you”, right?Here’s why.

We don’t want to be merely girlfriends. We want to be the only one who capture your heart. Even if we finally get to be your choice, the nagging notion that we were not the only fish in the sea doesn’t go away. we want you to say to us like Solomon, “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”  Mistari 😉 !!

One of the reasons why Kamana is such a great guy is because he wasn’t sampling. And we always know the ‘samplers’ so believe me, I knew :). He met me, he liked me, he loved me, he told me he loves me and wants me to be his wife, he married me.

Contrary to what the soaps have taught you, there is nothing good in being a Casanova. End the games right now and let the girl of your dreams know you have eyes for only her. And when she does, she will both love you to bits, and respect you forever.

This sampling does not only taint your character, but it also leads you to waste your precious single years. And if you aren’t content in being single, you will NOT be content in being married or ‘hooked up’.

Your spouse compliment you, not completes you. You ultimately get your completion from the Lord. So, serve him while you are still single, and when the Lord gives that girl, give her a proper engagement. She deserves it.

Now I know: Marriage doesn’t work!

Hi people. Sorry for getting lost for so long, but guess what, I was becoming all the wiser in my long break! See some bit of what i’ve been learning 🙂

I’ll tell you something you have probably not thought about. Or maybe you have. Let me confirm it to you from this side of marriage: It doesn’t work!

I’ll tell you this because I was told by my best maid Doreen Lemalee. She has been in it for long and she knows as well as any other married person knows. At first I thought she was joking, only to get in it and realise just how true her words were.

Think of a farm. On the day you prepare it for planting, it looks very good. No weed in sight, all gravel and stumps removed and the soil clods evened out. Then you plant the seeds and then it rains! Everything is just perfect. And then you go back after two weeks and you wonder what happened to the once weeds free land!

If the sound of farming is not appealing to you, especially the ladies, I will give you a very familiar example: your hair. On the day you take it to the salon, you look like a million bucks-probably because you spent something close to that. Your man and all girlfriends have to tell you how good you look otherwise you will be depressed for a month-the period it takes for that hair to deteriorate.

But in three weeks time, that same hair will be in dire need of a ‘re-touch’. Something will need to be done very fast before we start thinking you are losing it, that is your head.

The interesting thing is, we are very careful to work on the hair and the farm when we discover they are deteriorating. The same diligence needs to be used on marriage.

You have to continually work on your character with a view to become a better person to live with. Nothing exposes you to yourself than marriage. And by the third month, you begin to wonder who this whole new person is. You need to constantly work on yourself to make the marriage better. Before you start pointing accusing fingers, ask, “What did I do?”

Constantly pray for each other and together. The devil has his eye on the family, especially godly families because he knows those are the perfect example of God’s relationship to man. And oh, how he’d love to distort our vision of that relationship!

Know that you married an imperfect person. This whole idea of Mr. Right and the Knight in shining armour is breaking quite a few marriages today. Know that this guy actually has phobias, he fears snakes and scorpions but will wage war against them if they appear to save face while slowly dieing inside in fear.

He will forget your birthday and even anniversary but he loves you all the same. He will have no idea what the valentine fuss is all about and will even seemingly ignore you while watching news but he loves you all the same.

love is

Cut him some slack when he forgets important dates and remember the times he surprised you with a romantic dinner or even serenaded you with his not-so-melodious voice but you loved it!.

Or when you were unwell and he took care of you, checking on you every second just to make sure you are breathing. Remember the days he stayed up late or rose up very early to pray for you. Remember the little things even he doesn’t remember and appreciate him for it.

And you, guys, she doesn’t have to be the greatest cook that ever lived. but she tries to make you good food. Appreciate her for it. Pray for her often and let her know DAILY how she is the hottest girl in East and Central Africa, South of Sahara and north of Limpompo. Even after 50 years of being married to you, she will need to know you think she is very beautiful.

It really does take two to tango, so if your spouse is trying to make the marriage better, work with them. Don’t let them do all the work, it’s called a marriage because it is a covenant. And a covenant is no covenant unless two people are in it.

So, like your salvation, work on your marriage with all you’ve got. Forget the myths and give yourself fully to it. Like My best lady said, marriage doesn’t work, you make it work!