Are You Childlike, Or Just Childish?

I don’t know how to write this post without looking like I’m being pushy, or shooting myself in the foot! I rarely struggle with posts, But I’ve had this one on draft for a week now. So, I have gathered all the courage my fingers could master and clicked ‘publish’. Here’s to hoping I will still have readers after this post.

Maybe your spouse looks at you and feels like shouting, “Act your age!” But they know better than to rattle an already grumpy, unreasonable human being so I will do the (dis)honours for them: There is a possibility that you are married to a child or you are the child in the marriage. Because many times we are busy running to our best couple and pastor when really, the problem is we have refused to grow up!

I know even the bible has adviced us to be like children, “For the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these”. But there is a very big difference between Childlikeness and Childishness.  And marriage is the great separator of the two.

Love is good in a marriage, but the ‘feeling of love’ alone cannot keep a marriage going. Lately, I have been thinking hard about 1Corinthians 13, the chapter of love. If you measured your love againts the yardstick of that chapter, what do you need to be more conscious of? I say consious because sometime we go through marriage like zombies. We just make sure we tell our significant other ‘I love You’ while every other action says we don’t!

There is a very good reason why Paul added verse 11 to that chapter. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me”

After a whole chapter on what love is and isn’t, why would he talk about maturity? Maturity in marriage is tested in the crucible of problem solving. In counselling, they will tell you a million and one things about solving prolems in marriage. A husband and wife who can SIT and talk about things they seem to have strong difference of opinion about without a Homicide being reported will stand the test of time. Because it is very hard to be civil especially when tempers are flaring and emotions are erupting.

man-couple-people-woman-large  But a hard talk is important in marriage because if you have chosen to live together, it would be not only disatsifying but also devastating to just let the days go by and wait for death to separate you! But for some people, it is easier to skin a porcupine than getting them to sit and talk! There are a few things we can learn from Paul in that verse:

 

  1. I talked like a child

Are your words clear and audible or you are the master/mistress of muttering under your breath, grumbling alone inaudibly as you noisily do your chores. Are you sarcastic? Guilty as charged — Aunty Acid has nothing on me in this department! And we women know how to swing a comment so sarcastic it can cut open a heart! Are your words well thought, do you listen to UNDERSTAND or you listen so that you can answer and defend yourself. Men do this most of the time.

Are your words loving? Do you say things to hurt the other person or to make them shut up? When you soberly think about what you said in retrospect, are you proud or ashamed? Does your spouse trust to talk to you and not feel demeaned or disrespected? Are your words clean? Once I had grown fond of the word ‘stupid’. It was harmless really (or so I think) and I would have many ‘stupid this or that’ until my husband told me to stop calling all things stupid! Repentance mode! 🙂

2. I thought like a child

How are your thoughts? Are they clean? Are they truthful or do you conjure up in your mind anything that will get you out of trouble? Do you seek to see things as they have been presented to you or are you the mind-reading guru? Do you accuse your spouse of things they haven’t even done yet because your mind told you so? Who advises your thoughts? The WORLD or the WORD? Watu wasome Biblia.

3. I reasoned like a child

Do you leave your spouse thinking, “what kind of reasoning is that?” Are you sober minded? Does the things you have agreed upon with your better half cease to exist when you are confronted by different situations? Do you reason with facts or feelingsWhat has shaped your worldviewand the way you look at marriage and your spouse in particular?

Today’s world is full of ‘All men are like…” and ‘All women are like…” Do not hang your husband or wife out to dry To justify a stereotype! Not all men are team mafisi, not all girls are gold-diggers (Although money does make us a little happier, give us some once in a while 😉 ) I once saw in a facebook group a girl who is fighting with her husband because he said he wants to work from home. She is worried he will be with the house girl the whole day — what with all the stories we hear of team mafisi and dms! But the guy has never given her a chance to doubt him, not once! #SMH!

Like Paul, let us put the ways of childhood behind (us). Because it is assumed that we got married because we were grown up!

Let us pray that the Lord grants us wisdom to engage with our loved ones so that we do not reason like the heathen do!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS!!

Don’t Get Married (yet), It’s Not That Serious!

Okay, I lied. It is serious! Sit down, we need to talk.

I can see your face, drop the smuck already, I have a point here, atleast I think I do. Alright, it’s a little weird seeing such a title from one who is spotting a wedding band, and I can hear all the singles saying, “Yeah right, she can say that because she is taken!” Nktest! (insert an emoji rolling the eyes).

In the recent past, I have heard too many stories of broken and breaking marriages and ‘I’m staying on because of the kids’ marriages until I’m wondering what we are doing wrong! My most recent story left me utterly shattered because the girl is pretty, and she saw the tell-tale signs of an abusive husband way before she married him but did not have the courage to say, “wait, I need to think again!”. She was too busy wondering what the parents and the elders and every one of us will say, forgetting she was buying the shoes, she will wear it alone!

Getting married and ‘settling down’ are used synonymously, and I can’t help but wonder, is someone incomplete and ‘unsettled’ until they get married? When I think about the phrase ‘settling down’ I imagine a restless person, disturbed person, unsatisfied person, someone who has not found ‘IT’ yet. And this ‘IT’ is only found in marriage. So you wake up every morning and pray that God ‘settles you down’ soon. Or you hop from relationship to relationship hoping to find that one who will ‘settle down’ with you! What a troubled heart and mind!

If you are in this ‘settling down’ category, please allow me to burst the bubble for you — marriage does not settle all your problems. Marriage is not a state of Nivana where all things are serene and there are no more troubles and the world is under your feet. Far from it. Ask Paul, he who never got married but he shot straight at the bull’s eye — “But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” 1 Cor 7:28.

In marriage you will experince joy that you would otherwise not find anywhere else. You will never walk alone. You will have a chance to witness albeit in a fraction the relationship between God and man. You will be loved and forgiven and loved some more. You will have someone whose sole goal in life is to make you happy. You will be given a seat among the honorable members of the community because it is assumed you are ‘grown up’ and responsible! You will gain some weird respect only the married seem to get, I must admit! You will get a new set of parents who can actually be heavenly contrary to popular belief.

You will live with the peace of knowing you got the right person who loves you right because he is tapping from the source of love Himself. You will enjoy the beauty and ecstasy of romance only experienced by people who know they aren’t stealing, that mommy and daddy know and they are okay with it!

If the Lord wills and gives you the icing on the cake that is a baby, you will experience love so pure it makes your heart raw. You will finally know what it feels to have a mini-you walking on two feet and utterly dependent on you. You will know how little, sloppy kisses can melt the hardest of hearts and undo all the weariess and harrasment of a bad day. And doing it together with someone who loves you makes Romeo and Juliet sound like a bad joke!

But like my husband likes to say, marriage is not for the faint hearted! Because you will be tested and tried, your own self will be laid bare — figuratively and literally. You will be exposed to your own faults and the faults of another human being who is now your ‘soul mate’ and who is one with you and you will not have the option of saying, ‘I want out!” Because you cannot just walk out and remain unscathed. We will always know you were once married, you will even get a new title — divorcee! And let no one lie to you that even that walking out is easy! It is easier to sprint up Mount Everest than to walk out of a marriage.

So, please, before you give your heart to another conman, shut your ears to us who keep asking you when we will ‘eat pilau’.We will go home and cook our own pilau Njeri and everyone will be happy — except the Luo of course :D.

If you haven’t found the man who loves God more than he loves you, wait. If you have found someone who seems sneaky, if there are things you have noticed that you are afraid to tell your mother, wait. If every time you meet him or her you end up feeling like you are missing something and your heart is asking questions, wait! If there are things you see in him that you feel you can’t live with, till-death-do-us-part is a very long time, my dear, just wait! And if he ever threatens to hit you, by word or deed, darling, bolt! Because thoughts soon become actions. Love is blind, marriage is the real eye opener!

compleeet  You are not broken because you are ot married yet. Your awesomeness does not depreciate, as long as the everlasting, never changing God lives in you, someone will find you, and they will be enthralled by you. No man can complete you, if you feel empty now, you will probably feel empty in marriage too! Find your purpose and fullness in Christ first, maybe, just maybe that is wat he is waiting for!

Do not get married with the idea that you will change a human being, you are not the Holy spirit, you can’t change a person! If you are born again, stop asking ‘Is it wrong to …” Because any question that begins with ‘Is it wrong… the answer is always Yes!

Marriage is not a rite of passage, its a life-long commitment between two people who love each other and are committed to God. It’s never really too late, wait. The best is yet to come. Ask me 🙂