One of the worst ways to solve problems in any relationship is going silent. That is what we have all been told. And since it’s the women who (mostly) go mute, it seems like it’s the worse sin anyone can commit. Well, I have had more than a quarter a decade of practicing being a woman and I now think we need to decode this silent treatment thing.
First things first — it’s not worse when a woman gives it. It’s just a bad when a man slides into his nothing box every time, and decides he is not talking to you because — well, it can be anything from burnt food to unpolished shoes and everything in between. Like Dolly Parton said, “my mistakes are not worse than yours just because i’m a woman.”
Decode #1 — She thinks you just don’t get it!
So, she’s mad. Something happened between you two and she is just annoyed. At you. Or something happened elsewhere and she is mad — but not at you. But to her, there is no difference. When she is mad, it doesn’t really matter who she is mad at. At that point in time, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory. She thinks you all deserve to have that millstone hanged on your necks and sent to the deepest part of the nearest stream.
But the problem is, you don’t get it. You are busy telling her to ‘get over it’ or to look at the positive side of things or to do something else that sounds like something only mother Teresa would do. A woman’s anger is like chicken pox — you have to let it blow over! You can’t stop it midway. Her salvation — if she is a godly one — is just like the vaccine that prevents the chicken pox from killing the little tot. It will prevent her from doing some really stupid things like getting obscene or pouring gasoline on someone and setting them aflame; but it needs to go the full term. The she will calm down.
At that time, if she is just quiet, don’t try to offer solutions. She doesn’t need them. She already has a million options in her head of the things she should do she just can’t decide which one will pain her victim the most. She may never actually do them, but it will give her satisfaction just to think about the pain her ‘victim’ will go through. Let her be, buy her chocolate or give her hug if you must do something, but by all means DO NOT offer solutions.
Decode #2 — She Just can’t get it!
This will happen mostly if you are the cause of the problem. She just cannot get why you would say or do those things you said or did.
Women love consistency. If you say you love her today and then treat her like a trash bag or your gym punching bag tomorrow, she will get confused. When you say you love her, please try to do things that are consistent with someone who actually loves her. If you bash her with words today and then bring her roses in the evening, they may end up in the trash can and she will still not be talking to you.
By all means possible, treat her like an equal, mature human being. Sometime, men are so stuck on the thought that their women need to submit to them that they forget that they too are human beings who desire to be treated like such. Sometime, all a woman wants is to be treated like a human being who deserves to be given information and talked to like she is not a two year old. If you come from those traditions where women, children and chickens are in the same category, please adjust your calender — we are in the 21st century!
So, if you said things to her in a way that you would say to a three year old — Go back to the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths and walk it it — that is actually scripture! I know it may sound heretical here but what i’m trying to say is, retrace your steps and your words. If she goes mute after you talk to her like that, she is just wondering how old you think she is, and she just cannot get why you can’t at least treat her like a normal human being. I think, if we just treated our spouses juts like they are a fellow believer in the Lord, we would avoid lots of heartache!
Decode #3 — She thinks you get it, but you are pretending not to!
This is the worst. A woman is a natural psychologist, so she knows even your innermost thoughts most of the time.
So if you hurt her and then pretend you don’t realize it, she may not talk to you for quite a while. All she wants is for you to acknowledge that you actually hurt her and that you feel the tinniest bit of remorse about it. If you just think you will play it cool until she comes around, you might wait for a long time!
And even though she will eventually get tired of being angry at you and decide to talk if only to keep cobwebs from forming in her mouth, she will never forget! She will always remember that you don’t take her hurt seriously and that is just the same as not taking her happiness seriously! You should count yourself lucky if she forgives you!
Don’t wait for her to tell you that she is hurt. If you can see it in her eyes and in her body language, do the mature, loving thing — apologize! Don’t keep asking her if she is o.k! Of course she will nod her head and tell you she is fine, but we all know when a woman says, ‘I’m Fine!”, watch your back, things are about to go south!
I know you are wondering, ” why can’t she just say what she wants?” Well, she is a woman! When all is said and done, if still nothing is being said by the woman of the house, seek divine intervention. You will need it!
I wish you all a happy, talky, weekend 🙂