A Sneak Peek Into a Woman’s ‘Silent Treatment’

One of the worst ways to solve problems in any relationship is going silent. That is what we have all been told. And since it’s the women who (mostly) go mute, it seems like it’s the worse sin anyone can commit. Well, I have had more than a quarter a decade of practicing being a woman and I now think we need to decode this silent treatment thing.

First things first — it’s not worse when a woman gives it. It’s just a bad when a man slides into his nothing box every time, and decides he is not talking to you because — well, it can be anything from burnt food to unpolished shoes and everything in between. Like Dolly Parton said, “my mistakes are not worse than yours just because i’m a woman.”

Decode #1 — She thinks you just don’t get it!

So, she’s mad. Something happened between you two and she is just annoyed. At you. Or something happened elsewhere and she is mad — but not at you. But to her, there is no difference. When she is mad, it doesn’t really matter who she is mad at. At that point in time, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory. She thinks you all deserve to have that millstone hanged on your necks and sent to the deepest part of the nearest stream.

But the problem is, you don’t get it. You are busy telling her to ‘get over it’ or to look at the positive side of things or to do something else that sounds like something only mother Teresa would do. A woman’s anger is like chicken pox — you have to let it blow over! You can’t stop it midway. Her salvation — if she is a godly one — is just like the vaccine that prevents the chicken pox from killing the little tot. It will prevent her from doing some really stupid things like getting obscene or pouring gasoline on someone and setting them aflame; but it needs to go the full term. The she will calm down.

At that time, if she is just quiet, don’t try to offer solutions. She doesn’t need them. She already has a million options in her head of the things she should do she just can’t decide which one will pain her victim the most. She may never actually do them, but it will give her satisfaction just to think about the pain her ‘victim’ will go through. Let her be, buy her chocolate or give her  hug if you must do something, but by all means DO NOT offer solutions.

Decode #2 — She Just can’t get it!

This will happen mostly if you are the cause of the problem. She just cannot get why you would say or do those things you said or did.

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Women love consistency. If you say you love her today and then treat her like a trash bag or your gym punching bag tomorrow, she will get confused. When you say you love her, please try to do things that are consistent with someone who actually loves her. If you bash her with words today and then bring her roses in the evening, they may end up  in the trash can and she will still not be talking to you.

By all means possible, treat her like an equal, mature human being. Sometime, men are so stuck on the thought that their women need to submit to them that they forget that they too are human beings who desire to be treated like such. Sometime, all a woman wants is to be treated like a human being who deserves to be given information and talked to like she is not a two year old. If you come from those traditions where women, children and chickens are in the same category, please adjust your calender — we are in the 21st century!

So, if you said things to her in a way that you would say to a three year old — Go back to the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths and walk it it — that is actually scripture! I know it may sound heretical here but what i’m trying to say is, retrace your steps and your words. If she goes mute after you talk to her like that, she is just wondering how old you think she is, and she just cannot get why you can’t at least treat her like a normal human being. I think, if we just treated our spouses juts like they are a fellow believer in the Lord, we would avoid lots of heartache!

Decode #3 — She thinks you get it, but you are pretending not to!

This is the worst. A woman is a natural psychologist, so she knows even your innermost thoughts most of the time.

So if you hurt her and then pretend you don’t realize it, she may not talk to you for quite a while. All she wants is for you to acknowledge that you actually hurt her and that you feel the tinniest bit of remorse about it. If you just think you will play it cool until she comes around, you might wait for a long time!

And even though she will eventually get tired of being angry at you and decide to talk if only to keep cobwebs from forming in her mouth, she will never forget! She will always remember that you don’t take her hurt seriously and that is just the same as not taking her happiness seriously! You should count yourself lucky if she forgives you!

Don’t wait for her to tell you that she is hurt. If you can see it in her eyes and in her body language, do the mature, loving thing — apologize! Don’t keep asking her if she is o.k! Of course she will nod her head and tell you she is fine, but we all know when a woman says, ‘I’m Fine!”, watch your back, things are about to go south!

I know you are wondering, ” why can’t she just say what she wants?” Well, she is a woman! When all is said and done, if still nothing is being said by the woman of the house, seek divine intervention. You will need it!

I wish you all a happy, talky, weekend 🙂

And All The Parents Say…

ka bible I have been thinking lately — why should we be parents? Why should the Lord grant us such a hefty responsibility. Another human being, complete with his/her own mind and life and ambitions and all, given to us to nurture. To watch over and direct as they grow to be their own person. It is such a huge responsibility, the thought of what it entails is just scary.

I’m reminded of some parents I read about. After a miraculous experience that left all their neighbors and all who heard about them shocked and amazed, they were given a responsibility to pass it on to the generations after them. People needed to know just how majestic and powerful their God was.

With the clearest of instructions, they were told to

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door-frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19.

That sounds easy, right? All they needed to do was make sure that they talk about them and about Him, ALL THE TIME. Paint them on their houses just in case they forgot to talk about them in the hustle and bustle of life. At least, the children would read them as they go in and out of their house.

And then, a few books later, we read,

“After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel.” Judges 2:10

Now, what happened here? A people who had been strictly instructed to teach their children every time, everywhere ended up with generation after them that did not know God and what He had done for Israel.

Methinks there was a set of parents who broke the chain; who refused to teach their children what God had done for Israel, who took it for granted that the children needed to know. There were people who refused to do their homework, and this time, it was the parents.

And see what happened.

“Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord and served the Baals. They forsook the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who had brought them out of Egypt. They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They aroused the Lord’s anger because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths.” Judges 2:12

And then things got worse,

“In his anger against Israel the Lord gave them into the hands of raiders who plundered them. He sold them into the hands of their enemies all around, whom they were no longer able to resist. Whenever Israel went out to fight, the hand of the Lord was against them to defeat them, just as he had sworn to them. They were in great distress.” Judges 2:14-15

Oh, how much distress they would have been saved if only they obeyed. If only the parents who had seen it all and heard it all had been faithful with the instructions. If only they had taught their children all the things they needed to. Maybe the children would have disobeyed, anyway, but at least they would have disobeyed, though knowing. Now, what we hear is a people who did not know God nor what he had not done. Tragic.

And this season, as we await our first born, i’m reminded just how much we need to be diligent in teaching him/her about God. For that to happen, we need to make sure that our walk with God too  is straight. We need to be open to learn from Him daily since there will be little people following us.

As it is, if we will get another human being only to add to hell, why should we get one? And what does God expect?

“Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.” Malachi 2:15

And all the parents say,

SO HELP US GOD! 

Pregnant? You Need This!

This journey has been really interesting until I almost don’t want it to be over. I have had a few low moments (unexplained mood swings and unbelievable fatigue) and some high moments. As I try to be an optimist, which I rarely am, by the way, I will share the good moments with you — if only to put a smile on my face. (Selfish right? I know!)

1.  A Good Outfit

By good I mean fitting. By fitting I mean just being loose and tight in all the right places. One of the worst mistakes I made when I started expanding was buying bigger clothes. I forgot it’s not every part of my body that was growing, so I ended up looking fat, not pregnant. I later learnt my mistake and went to shop and got all the right tops and trousers — i’m still not a dress person so those are yet to catch up with the bump :). Remember, you are not ugly, you are not fat, you are just pregnant! Look good, feel good!

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2. A Good Doctor

One of my nightmares was getting a know-it-all doctor who didn’t understand that this is my first baby. I’m having lot of questions, most of them silly. I have many fears, many of them unfounded. I have heard many myths and old wives’ tales about many things. I want to know what will happen if I eat too many eggs. Should I have a specific way of turning when I sleep? Can I ride on a bodaboda? Why i’m I not growing as a big as I initially thought? Is it o.k to have no appetite and can I sue my husband if he ever refuses to massage my swollen feet?

Well, I got a good doctor who listens to me and is patient with me. He is not young which means he has no point to prove. He is just a good one, and he calls me mami :). I like!

3. Big Sisters

My big sisters are my second doctor, and it helps that they actually are medics and moms. They listens to my rantings and fears and calms all of them. They tell me all those things I know my doctor doesn’t have a clue of. They have been pregnant so their old wives’ tales actually do work! My elder sisters has to approve anything my doctor prescribes, otherwise, I’m not taking them. I know I said I have a good doctor, but, people, he has never been pregnant!

I think I should start paying them a consultants fee or something. Thanks Lillian and Carol. You are the bestest!

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4. A Mother’s visit and A sister in-law

If there ever is a time a girl needs her mom, it’s when she is pregnant! Mom is the only person who will ‘woyie woyie’ you as you deserve — or as you desire. There are times when you just need someone to feel you, in the only way a mom can. Many times I have called my mom when i’m the brink of tears and she has no idea, and I just want to hear her talk.

She is the only one who still sees you as ‘my baby’ when to the world, you are a grown woman who is even bearing her own children and so you deserve little sympathy. To her, i’m still her last born. When she visits, like now, she almost wants to carry me on her back!

A sister in law is the one who sees you as she sees herself. You two are married to brothers so she understands any frustrations you may have with the hubby — because she is living with his photocopy in her house! And when she visits, you will not lift a finger! Thank You Kellen Wanja!

5. A Supportive Husband

This point cannot be over emphasized! Thank you Ben!

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