FOR WOMEN ONLY: How to break your marriage!

In exactly 12 days, it will be 6 years since I walked down the aisle and married my lover and friend. My head is still in the clouds and I still have stars in my eyes but the last six years have been like no other in my life. And so will be the next 75 and more years.

Many things that used to be in theory are now real in my life, and now, I have caught a glimpse of why marriages break. One thing we were warned about is never to make divorce an option in our marriage. If you get in with the idea that if it gets tough you will walk out, then, you will walk out. It may be tomorrow or 50 years from today. The only guard you have is to know and to confess if the going get’s tough, the vows will remain.

I doff my cap for my husband and while we have had quite an interesting start, I think he has done most of the work. All I needed to do was sit still, look pretty and be loved all the way to ever after. Or so I thought. And while I enjoyed his famous breakfast, I have learnt a thing or two on how women can make or break their marriage.

So, Wives(and wanna be’s 🙂 ),  if you want to break your marriage, here are a few steps that I surely hope you will NOT follow.

1. Complain, Complain, Complain

See nothing good in what your man says and does. Complain about the shoes at the door, the socks on the floor, the way he squeezes toothpaste, the way he throws things in the sink without sorting out what needs to go to the dustbin, the way he doesn’t help you take the trash out… Heck! Complain about everything.

When he does something really good and sweet, do not acknowledge it. After all, it’s your duty to be loved and served, right? Wrong. When he helps out with the house chores that are conventionally yours, make it a rule that he does it all the time. Like if he wakes up in a good mood and makes you breakfast ensure that he makes breakfast every day of his married life. You are the princess, aren’t you? Make him serve you the breakfast in bed and do not even say thank you. Complain some more about something irrelevant like the shape of your mosquito net. Just keep complaining!

2. Sulk, sulk, sulk

Someone once told me, silence is a weapon like any other. Use it. Go silent for a week especially if he refuses to do your bidding. Make sure he loudly hears you having a great time with the neighbours and immediately pout when he shows up. If he asks something, look at him with your beautiful round eyes and shrug. Don’t talk to him for weeks and when you do, make sure it is a three-word sentence, utmost. Words like, umm, mmm, No, or some other incoherent thing. You will be doing just fine!

3. Put Him Down Daily

Have you heard the saying that every man is a king and his home is his kingdom? It is true. But for you, marriage breaker, ignore it. Put him down at every possible time and trample on him like he is your doormat. Make him feel small especially in front of other people. Tear his little kingdom apart with every opportunity you get.

There is something called ego. A man will perform in life depending on how well massaged his ego is. A man whose ego is unhurt can climb a mountain, literary. But for your man, madam marriage breaker, crush his ego like dried leaves. Let him know how beneath you he is, and how he doesn’t match up to other men. Rub it in how much he is not yet a CEO, how is not yet driving the best car, living in the best neighbour-hood…crush his very brains to the ground with your words.

4. Deny Him His Conjugal rights

Yeah, sleep in jeans if you must, but don’t let him touch you. Let him earn his space in your life and remind him in every waking moment how unworthy of you he is and sleep with him ONLY as a reward for good behaviour-like buying you the pink Vitz you’ve always wanted.

5. Cheat, Cheat, Cheat

Have you seen that advert on T.V? The one with a woman and a man called Mbugua? Yeah, that one that has given us a choice out of infidelity-include a condom in the cheating plan. Like a condom mends broken homes and hearts?!! Sometimes I think our priorities are really misplaced!

Do exactly what that advert says. Cheat, Cheat and cheat some more. As long as you have included a condom in the cheating plan, you can go ahead and dance the Three Idiots Dance, ‘All izzzz Vell’.  Give stupid excuses when you are busted, cry a river and say it wasn’t you. Don’t worry, cheating will get you where you wanted to be faster than anything else-a broken marriage.

Proverbs 14:1 did well to say, ” The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down”. I feel like adding, ‘with her own words too” since this is our deadliest weapon. Be wise, build your home. You have the power to do it in your hands. Ask the Proverbs 31 chick!

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